The First One

Have you ever had the feeling that you are really stressed and that you have a really high level of anxiety for no reason? That’s what I’m feeling right now. I can’t relax, I can’t calm down and I certainly can’t find a reason for this.

I suspect this is work. I work in an environment with about 20 different companies supported by both onsite and service desk. Most days I can go home, with the feeling that I have done everything I can for the day and that I will have to continue tomorrow, and everything will be fine. Today was different. I got an e-mail towards the end of the day, asking me to correct something. I answered it and went home a few minutes earlier than usual. Unfortunately, I checked my email from my phone, while waiting in line at Burger King and noticed I had received an answer, where the person is basically accusing me of not following what was agreed last fall, and asking me to correct it. At this point I have no opportunity to answer and even if I could, the person would no longer be at work to answer my e-mail. This has haunted me the whole afternoon and I’m not sure what to do. It is normal for me to be very anxious during the evenings, but usually I can’t find a reason. It’s usually not work, because I always try to let that go, consciously think it through and realize that it’s not that. This time though, it hit me like lightning. It’s work! I’m stressed about work! Big time! Now I’m thinking, not only about this one conversation, but about all the other things I have going on. It seems like I have so many different projects to keep track of, employees to keep happy and a non-ending stream of e-mails to answer. Now that I’m writing this I’m starting to calm down. I guess the best thing is to let out some steam, regroup, take your medication (Yes, I’m Type 1 Bipolar) and live to see another day. Which is something else that is bothering me. My instincts tell me to go to sleep, so that this day will end. At the same time, I know the night will go way too quickly (despite my insomnia) and in the morning, I will have the same anxiety, only there is the possibility to handle things at work and maybe be calm for a few hours before the anxiety sets in again.

I feel like I need someone to talk to at work, to vent my feelings to. The problem is that there is no one. I can’t go to my employees, without losing the authority of being a manager. I can’t go to my managers, because I’m hoping that I will someday be their manager, and I don’t want them to remember my whining at that stage. I can’t even go to my own new manager, because he is in a different city and is basically never around. My only option would be my old manager, but he is so busy he rarely has the opportunity to even talk about day-to-day work stuff. My wife tries to be supportive, but she really doesn’t understand the work environment I have and so can’t really help in any concrete way. The only leaves me my psychologist and psychiatrist, which basically just gives me more medication to handle it. I know this is part of my life, since I am bipolar, but it still doesn’t feel right. In the end it usually means I feel fucked (and not in a good way) for most of my afternoon and then wake up to a new day. I think I might even call my old manager tomorrow, if I see that he has some time in his calendar.

This is all for now. See you some other day!

  • Bob