The Sixth One, Afternoon thoughts

I went to the sleep doctor today. The visit was supposed to start after I had had treatment for at least two months, to evaluate my current situation and maybe make some small corrections. It turns out my treatment will not start until the beginning of January.

Feedback I got today was that I definitely have to get out of bed before 8 AM (usually I do it at about 9 AM) and that I most definitely cannot stay in bed if I cannot get sleep immediately. Meaning that I have to go to the couch, wake up the dog, get barked at, and then maybe, just maybe, be able to watch Netflix in peace. Most of the things I have been doing, however, have been correct. No caffeine, less sugar, regular exercise, trying to “fill my mind” (which I understood is doing different things, preferably things I like, so that my mind feels like it has had a full day, even though I’ve just been sitting at home), and stuff like that. And eating lunch somewhere that is not home.

My sick-leave got continued, which means I will have even less money than before. This means that I will not be able to go out and eat lunch for much longer. After that I will have to stick with the home-made macaroni and cheese that costs close to nothing. Not that I’m complaining. I like mac and cheese almost as much as I like saving money 😊

I have to save money because in this country you don’t get paid after being sick for a certain amount of time. And the doctors don’t recommend that I work 100% in the beginning, which means I can only work for about 50%, but still need to get paid close to the full amount to be able to pay bills. For this I have to fill in an application and send it to our retirement company, who handles these things, to maybe get money from them. Because I can work, but only 50%, but need more money, I somehow can’t work at all before the application has come through.

So, I am waiting. Waiting for the application to come through. Waiting for my treatments to start. Waiting to hear from the job I applied to. And waiting for the time I have booked for getting my first tattoo (Yes, I’m getting one, in just over a week). I could do with getting some of that waiting over with.


The Fifth One, The last two weeks

As it turned out, I have been too tired to think about writing this blog, for the last two weeks. With the stress of not knowing if I’m getting the new job (yes, they’re still deciding, even though it is looking positive) and the tiredness of having to deal with my sickness, my sleeping disorder and just the plain boredom of having to sit at home for months at end, with nothing to do, due to the sick-leave being unpaid and having no money to do anything. As I’m writing this I have been on sick-leave for about three and a half months. Of these months I have been in the hospital for about two weeks.

As I think I mentioned earlier I was supposed to start treating my sleeping disorder a few months ago, when the doctors finally realized I had one, but apparently that’s not the way it’s going to be. I had a time scheduled for the sleep-clinic last Thursday, which was fine with me. After that they cancelled my appointment and moved it to last Friday, the only day this year, when I had already scheduled a trip abroad with my brother and wasn’t able to cancelled. I called the office of the clinic to get my time rescheduled. No one called back. I called again and again and no one called back. Finally, when it was my time, they called me and basically were annoyed that I wasn’t there. Despite me calling them numerous times during the last few weeks.

The nurse that is/will be responsible for treating my disorder weren’t that polite in the phone, even though I tried to be very flexible and polite. She was talking about starting my treatment in December (would mean a four month wait, in total) but decided that that wasn’t going to work. My treatment will now start sometime after January (five-month total wait or more) due to the fact that a test, which should have been done when my sleeping has improved, will be done before seeing her, which is the total opposite of what the doctor said when I met her two months ago. I know have a meeting scheduled with the doctor (which originally was scheduled in September, because I was to start treatment then and was meant to see how much I have improved) in a few days, and I will have to go there knowing that nothing has happened since I last saw her. I know it’s not my own fault, but somehow, I still think she will be disappointed in me in some way.

On a positive note, the trip I took with my brother was a success. We went to the Black Library Weekender in Nottingham in the UK and was able to see our favorite author, Dan Abnett! (as well as get to have a chat and take a picture with him). We were able to bring a load of books back home, attend lots of seminars and also visit Warhammer World, which we have dreamed about since being small kids. All in all, a really good trip, even if it was a bit expensive.

The job I applied for just let me know that they’ll be deciding this week and that they will let me know. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

  • Bob

The Fourth One, I am tired

As you all know I’m ”battling” being bipolar and having anxiety and all that. I’m also having problems with insomnia, for which I should be going to a sleep-specialist. They asked me to take two months off work for me to work through this problem, so that I maybe would get to a point where I could sleep without having to take tons of medication. I got the two months off, no pay, but still. First, I should have gotten an appointment with what we call a sleep-nurse that should have made me a schedule, which I would follow, and hopefully get better. Now, two months later, my leave is nearing its end and I still haven’t gotten that appointment.

First it took me over a month to get an appointment, which is fine, sometimes it just takes time due to the specialty units in the hospitals being overwhelmed. After that my appointment got moved, for reasons I don’t know, to a day when I’m out of the country. Naturally I called and asked if I could talk to someone and get it moved to a day when I’m in the country. Still waiting for that callback. I called again today and they had no information that I previously called, but promised to leave a message to the person I’m supposed to see, so that she can get back to me.

The problem is, I’m getting more tired by the day. I should be getting up at 8 AM in the morning and stay up. No naps during the day and go to sleep the same time every night. Simply put, I should follow a strict routine, every day of the week, even weekends. The way things are going right now I’m nowhere close to that. I wake up several hours before my alarm bell. Then, after my wife has gone to work, I fall asleep again and wake up at about 12. I usually don’t take naps, I usually go to bed at the same time, but it takes me several hours to fall asleep and I wake up 10-20 times every night (we measured this for two weeks at one point and I really do wake up 10-20 times per night). No wonder they have diagnosed me with a severe sleeping disorder.

Now I don’t really know what to do. I don’t sleep. I haven’t gotten my sleep-schedule, so I don’t even know how I should sleep and/or if there’s something else I should be doing or should avoid doing while trying to get my sleeping-schedule right. I’m getting more tired and still I’m only at home, basically doing nothing. We made a list a few weeks ago, with things that make me feel better when I’m feeling down. Even those doesn’t work at the moment. Hopefully I will get that call soon, so that I have some direction on what to follow.

Thank you for reading!

  • Bob