The Seventh One, I got it!

I got it! After having to wait for some time and being anxious all the while I finally received word about the job I had applied for. It turns out they were very excited and offered me the job! Naturally I accepted, since everything they told me made it seem like this was the dream-job for me.

One month from now, when I finally get off from sick-leave, I will have one week left at my old job to read through e-mails and train my successor, after that I’m off to my new job as Solutions Expert, focusing mainly on Service Desk -consulting, but also on many other areas.

I’m excited!

  • Bob

The Sixth One, Afternoon thoughts

I went to the sleep doctor today. The visit was supposed to start after I had had treatment for at least two months, to evaluate my current situation and maybe make some small corrections. It turns out my treatment will not start until the beginning of January.

Feedback I got today was that I definitely have to get out of bed before 8 AM (usually I do it at about 9 AM) and that I most definitely cannot stay in bed if I cannot get sleep immediately. Meaning that I have to go to the couch, wake up the dog, get barked at, and then maybe, just maybe, be able to watch Netflix in peace. Most of the things I have been doing, however, have been correct. No caffeine, less sugar, regular exercise, trying to “fill my mind” (which I understood is doing different things, preferably things I like, so that my mind feels like it has had a full day, even though I’ve just been sitting at home), and stuff like that. And eating lunch somewhere that is not home.

My sick-leave got continued, which means I will have even less money than before. This means that I will not be able to go out and eat lunch for much longer. After that I will have to stick with the home-made macaroni and cheese that costs close to nothing. Not that I’m complaining. I like mac and cheese almost as much as I like saving money 😊

I have to save money because in this country you don’t get paid after being sick for a certain amount of time. And the doctors don’t recommend that I work 100% in the beginning, which means I can only work for about 50%, but still need to get paid close to the full amount to be able to pay bills. For this I have to fill in an application and send it to our retirement company, who handles these things, to maybe get money from them. Because I can work, but only 50%, but need more money, I somehow can’t work at all before the application has come through.

So, I am waiting. Waiting for the application to come through. Waiting for my treatments to start. Waiting to hear from the job I applied to. And waiting for the time I have booked for getting my first tattoo (Yes, I’m getting one, in just over a week). I could do with getting some of that waiting over with.


The First One

Have you ever had the feeling that you are really stressed and that you have a really high level of anxiety for no reason? That’s what I’m feeling right now. I can’t relax, I can’t calm down and I certainly can’t find a reason for this.

I suspect this is work. I work in an environment with about 20 different companies supported by both onsite and service desk. Most days I can go home, with the feeling that I have done everything I can for the day and that I will have to continue tomorrow, and everything will be fine. Today was different. I got an e-mail towards the end of the day, asking me to correct something. I answered it and went home a few minutes earlier than usual. Unfortunately, I checked my email from my phone, while waiting in line at Burger King and noticed I had received an answer, where the person is basically accusing me of not following what was agreed last fall, and asking me to correct it. At this point I have no opportunity to answer and even if I could, the person would no longer be at work to answer my e-mail. This has haunted me the whole afternoon and I’m not sure what to do. It is normal for me to be very anxious during the evenings, but usually I can’t find a reason. It’s usually not work, because I always try to let that go, consciously think it through and realize that it’s not that. This time though, it hit me like lightning. It’s work! I’m stressed about work! Big time! Now I’m thinking, not only about this one conversation, but about all the other things I have going on. It seems like I have so many different projects to keep track of, employees to keep happy and a non-ending stream of e-mails to answer. Now that I’m writing this I’m starting to calm down. I guess the best thing is to let out some steam, regroup, take your medication (Yes, I’m Type 1 Bipolar) and live to see another day. Which is something else that is bothering me. My instincts tell me to go to sleep, so that this day will end. At the same time, I know the night will go way too quickly (despite my insomnia) and in the morning, I will have the same anxiety, only there is the possibility to handle things at work and maybe be calm for a few hours before the anxiety sets in again.

I feel like I need someone to talk to at work, to vent my feelings to. The problem is that there is no one. I can’t go to my employees, without losing the authority of being a manager. I can’t go to my managers, because I’m hoping that I will someday be their manager, and I don’t want them to remember my whining at that stage. I can’t even go to my own new manager, because he is in a different city and is basically never around. My only option would be my old manager, but he is so busy he rarely has the opportunity to even talk about day-to-day work stuff. My wife tries to be supportive, but she really doesn’t understand the work environment I have and so can’t really help in any concrete way. The only leaves me my psychologist and psychiatrist, which basically just gives me more medication to handle it. I know this is part of my life, since I am bipolar, but it still doesn’t feel right. In the end it usually means I feel fucked (and not in a good way) for most of my afternoon and then wake up to a new day. I think I might even call my old manager tomorrow, if I see that he has some time in his calendar.

This is all for now. See you some other day!

  • Bob